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[13 Aug 2009|02:54am] |
i don't think people realize how lucky they are when they are in a relationship with someone where the amount of love is mutual.
right now, i feel like i'll never get to that point.
i'm fucking broken. i've done nothing wrong, yet i still get hurt over and over again. i could stop it, i know. you can't help who you love sometimes and i wish it were easier than this.
i hope someday..... he'll wake up and realize what a mess everything is and how great i am. also about how i'd bend over backwards over and over again just to try and keep him happy. i don't think he's ever had someone do that for him.... and maybe it freaks him out.
i've been told over and over again that i need to stop this cycle and it's the hardest task i've ever had to face in my life. i don't want to let go because i've never loved someone so much. i've never had someone hold me and tell me that they don't want to be without me before him. all those feelings are gone now it seems, on his part. i still feel the fire burning inside of me, however, that won't do this 'relationship' any good.
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[31 Jul 2009|08:54pm] |
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I'm moving tomorrow ( for the 98987th time). I'm pretty damn excited about it because I'll be living closer to all my friends again.
Things with Mike have cleared up a bit. We've hung out all week and things seem to be OK (for now). Who knows what next week will be like. I am moving a block away from him and I don't really know how he truly feels about it. He seems to be fine with it but I don't want him to think that I'm moving there to be closer to him. I'm moving there because it was the nicest place we've found and it's in the desired area for both Sarah and I.
I'm stressing out about my current jobless situation, which goes hand in hand with me being broke.
I applied and got accepted to this nanny network, however, I'm having a hard time trying to round up all my references.
If I start working for them, they start out full-time pay at $500 a week. It would be MEGA sweet to get rent out of the way by working for only one week. Not to mention, new camera goodies/ new computer and HEY maybe even a SAVINGS account. God knows what one of those are. I haven't had one of those in like.... EVER. I'm sick of living from paycheck to paycheck and scrounging to get by. I know a lot of people are in the same boat, however, It's not like my parents can even help me out because they are struggling, too.
Basically, I'm praying for this job. I not only need to make money but I also need something to occupy my time. I feel like I'm getting deeper in this slump of being a waste of life and not creating anything new. It's driving me up the wall and I'm itching to continue with some photo projects .
Keep your fingers crossed....
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[18 Jul 2009|01:41am] |
I wish I wasn't so dependent on people. I used to do whatever I wanted, when I wanted and now I feel as though I lost a lot of friends because of dating him. Yeah, a lot of them didn't like him or didn't approve. I understand why.... he treats me like shit. I loved him too much, I did anything he would ask me to do. I always answered his phone calls/texts and just bent over backwards. He had STILL has me wrapped around his finger.
I picked up the pieces when he would fuck up. I was always there for him even though he had multiple rotations in friends because he treated them like shit or got fucked over. I don't think I was a bad girlfriend. I loved him too much and he needed space.
Fletcher told me a long time ago that Mike was poison to me. That he talked shit on me for whatever reason. I neglected to believe it because I was just blind by the old Mike who really loved me. He's not the same person I knew before, nor is he the man that was madly in love with me. I told him that I didn't like who he was now, that he treated me like shit.... not even as a girlfriend but as a friend. He said that he likes who he is now, however, I fail to believe that. Since I've known him ( about 4 years) he's changed who he was multiple times. It's like he's stuck as a middle schooler , still trying to figure out what clique he's in. Dressing in oversized clothes all thugged out, not wearing deodorant and dressing in bike messenger attire to wearing hair gel and working at American Apparel.
Maybe it isn't me that's the problem. I don't think he has grown up yet, or knows who he is. I don't know if he ever will and I certainly can't wait around for that. I believe that I made somewhat of a good inpact on his life, however, there's only so much I could do to help him. I feel as though my kindness, generosity and affection towards him just back fired and blew up in my face. I don't want to be bitter if he winds up dating this girl from New York, however, if he does I know I'm going to be upset. One thing he told me when we broke up is that he didn't want to be with anyone and that he needed to figure himself and his life out. If anything, I was there to support whatever he wanted to do... whether it was good or bad. What an idiot.... I think he's making one of the biggest mistakes of his life by throwing our relationship out the door.
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[17 Jul 2009|09:41pm] |
He keeps things from me because he goes to New York to fuck some other girl.
Seriously? Fuck YOU. He doesn't realize that even though I have felt better without him... that by me knowing he's sleeping next to and fucking someone else.... it makes me physically SICK.
I am going fucking crazy right now and I want to BREAK EVERYTHING. I called him while he was on the bus to New York, crying because I knew where he was going. I feel like i'm insane. He doesn't realize how much that hurts me. After treating me like complete shit.... he doesn't deserve to be happy with anyone. I don't want to live in the same city with him. Maybe he'll move to New York and be SO IN LOVE with this girl. Tell her that she's his soul mate and that he wants to marry her... just like he told me.
and you know what.... I fucking hate New York. I never fucking liked it in the first place.
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[27 Jun 2009|03:40pm] |
I feel as though I need to move out of Philly really soon. I'm fired of having to make an effort to have friends. No one ever calls me to hang out... I'm always the one calling/texting people to see what they're doing. I feel so unimportant and fucking useless. If no one really needs me then why the fuck should I stick around?? Am I really no fun?
The only 2 things in my life right now that need me are my dog and cat. how fucking sad is that???
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[24 May 2009|05:06pm] |
I'm already not happy about the heat. I'd much rather have winter.
I'm not a big fan of my new neighborhood, either. Everything seems to close at nightfall.
Still, I've been in a bad mood. I feel like all I do is work, come home and do nothing but lay in my bed and fall asleep so early.
I have little to no motivation to get up and actually do things. I don't know what's wrong with me other than me just being depressed. I've never felt this way before and it's a bit scary. All I want is to be loved by the person I love the most. It's too much to ask for.... like hoping for the impossible. I've lost him and I feel like it's for good. It's so heartbreaking, still, to not have him give a shit about me. I want him to understand how much this hurts me. More importantly, I want to know where things went wrong.... where did we grow apart?
I keep running through my head memories of us having the most amazing times.... building a garden in our backyard, spending alone time in a hotel in AC, Camping, music festivals, dinners at his parents house, spending all day in bed, bbqing, entertaining our friends and being sociable.
WHAT HAPPENED? I feel like I don't know him and I don't even know myself anymore. This is just a sickening feeling that's been going on for way too long.
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[17 Mar 2009|11:48am] |
Alright...
I am FED UP with being so freakin unproductive.
I feel so inspired by things, however, I lack motivation.
THIS WEEKEND..... I have to go somewhere and shoot some freaking pictures.
I can't take it anymore... I'm going absolutely out of my mind.
:(
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[13 Mar 2009|12:34pm] |
Ok, seriously....
I NEED my sewing machine pedal. I think I lost it when I moved and I need to reorder a new one.
I really want to go thrifting for summer... getting guys lightweight flannel, oversized shirts and making them into shirt dresses.
I need more variety in my wardrobe. :( hellppp
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| I am bad with remembering |
[28 Jan 2009|03:29pm] |
The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me. It will be about or tailored to those five people.
This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:
- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make!
- what I create will be just for you.
- it'll be done this year
- you have no clue what it's going to be or when its going to be. It may be fic. It may be poetry. I may draw or paint something. I may bake you something and mail it to you. Who knows? Not you, that's for sure!
- I reserve the right to do something extremely strange.
The catch? Oh, the catch is that you have to put this in your journal as well, if you expect me to do something for you!
*please put your postal address & email address in your comment or email it to me at stephaniericciphotography.com
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[08 Dec 2008|05:21pm] |
Know what's awesome?
My fucking father didn't even call me to wish me a happy birthday today.
I'm so fucking hurt and upset.
Thank god for my friends who did call/text/send messages.
Thank you guys.
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[18 Nov 2008|11:15pm] |
getting drunk with John Woodin on a TUESDAY night... is fucking awesome.
I have work at 7am. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
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[11 Nov 2008|12:56am] |
Good Morning
 West Philadelphia 7am
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[16 Oct 2008|04:17pm] |
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I just really really want to be loved by the person I love the most.
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[03 Oct 2008|11:21pm] |
Ok Life....
any day now....
give me a FUCKING BREAK.
Please?
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[17 Sep 2008|07:46pm] |
It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be?
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will...
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[02 Sep 2008|11:02pm] |
mike moved out yesterday.
I don't even know what to feel anymore.
I stayed at his new place and I cried and cried and cried....
It's not even like things are going smoothly.... it seems as though people ( who should'n't be involved) get in the middle of things and make them worse.
As if I'm not upset already.........Thank you for that. Because of you, my life is that much more depressing.
As close as I am to giving up everything... I know I can't. I need as many friends as possible to deal with this. I am a strong person,however, this is just too much to cope with on my own.
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[12 Aug 2008|12:25am] |
remember when i stole 2 PW boxes and put Maximus in one? yeah.......
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[07 Aug 2008|12:08pm] |
I need either a roommate for Sept 1st to move into my current apartment ( rent being 400-425 a month)
OR
I need to find a place to live... preferably in University City.
If anyone needs a room/roommate... or knows of a place for rent ... PLEASE let me know. I'm in sort of a stage of panic.
Also, I need a job come September 1st, too. So, if anyone knows anyone hiring, let me know about that, too.
GREAT
All of this couldn't come at a better time. ugh.
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| FUCK LIFE |
[05 Aug 2008|11:20pm] |
I just had the worst night ever.
I had my car jumped.... THREE TIMES on the way back from picking up my artwork from the Urban headquarters.
The third time was in lovely West Philadelphia, approximately, 56th and Larchwood.
The cops came and pushed my car into a parking spot, told me to get in the car and lock my doors. GREAT.
I called AAA for the second time and had a tow truck come to get me and my car.
I JUST got home around 10.... after being at work since 8:30 this morning.
Funny thing is.... I had a dream about my old white Ford Escort that got " put to sleep" almost a year ago.
In the dream, the mechanic took it out of the impound, put in a brand spanking new engine and gave it back to me.
Don't ask why I loved such a piece of shit car.... I did though. 300,000 miles it got me.
Goddamn. Why can't my dreams come true??
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